


Unplanned Parenthood

by Filmsterr



Series: Life with Ruby [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, Communication Failure, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, First time Parent, Grad Student Castiel, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Misunderstandings, New Baby, Prequel, dadstiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-24 10:25:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12010773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filmsterr/pseuds/Filmsterr
Summary: Before they had all their shit sorted out, before the house and the engagement and the picture perfect life, Dean and Cas were just a couple of kids messing around, trying not to fall in love too quick.And then Ruby happened.





	Unplanned Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorites series of mine. Happy to have finally added the prequel bit (: There's one more installment I have planned, and then I can say this verse is wrapped up with a bow. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments mean more than you know. xoxo

“Oh God. Fuck. God damnit.”

Dean panted loudly, sweat pouring down his forehead.

Cas rolled off of him, equally covered in sweat, a satisfied grin covering his face. “That was good for you?” he asked, with a knowing cheekiness about him that Dean found both naïve and irresistible.

The room was hot and charged with energy, the air practically throbbing with sexual tension. Dean gasped again, his chest heaving up and down dramatically. “ _Fuck me_. I don’t think I’ve been ridden like that since I was eighteen.”

He wasn’t exaggerating. The chemistry between the two of them was _explosive_. Safety gear required.

“Glad to know you’re a fan,” Cas muttered, eyes hooded all sexy, leaning in to brush his lips lightly over Dean’s. “Maybe I can come back tonight for an encore?” he murmured, voice all low and sexy and fucked raw…. Dean shivered at the sound of it.

“Or…” Dean offered, knowingly offering up some of his best boyish, come-love-me charm, “you can just stay and we can do it all day,”

He hated to show it too often, but he was really starting to feel addicted to Castiel. He itched to be around him all day, every day. Every time Cas left the room it was like the temperature cooled twenty degrees. He hadn’t been this infatuated with someone since that fling with a yoga instructor when he was barely legal.

Castiel provided another smacking kiss to his lips and then leaned away to pull a shirt over his head. “Mm, a very tempting offer. But, unfortunately, I do have obligations out there in the real world.”

“What could possibly be more enticing than a heated round of morning sex?”

“Well, I have this thing called school,” Cas drolled on, searching for his jeans that had been tossed off as soon as he’d got to Dean’s apartment the night before. “And then I have to TA a class after that. Then I have to go to the library and work on an assignment, and then I’m organizing…”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Dean brushed him off, “you’re very busy, very important.”

Cas pulled his pants up around his waist and buttoned them shut. Dean frowned at the sight-- Cas’ muscular thighs were one of his favorite things about him. Castiel laughed, like he could read Dean’s thoughts (which, truthfully, wouldn’t be much of a shock).

He leaned down one more time, running a hand up and down the side of Dean’s face. “But I’ll be back tonight. I promise.”

Dean almost felt a blush forming in his cheeks, but he cut it off before he could start. He wanted to be cool, casual; to tell Cas that he didn’t need to promise anything and if he couldn’t make it that would be fine, Dean had a lot of other things he could be doing anyway.

Instead, he said, “Alright. See you tonight,” and let Castiel give him one last, lingering kiss before he showed himself the door.

As soon as he heard the wooden thud of the door closing, Dean rolled over and groaned into his pillow. He was too far gone now, he knew; too totally enamored of Castiel. This whole situation was edging on dangerous. Somewhere in the corner of his mind, he heard a warning voice telling him to get out while the getting was still good.

But he shoved that nagging voice away. Cas was too good, too perfect for him to even risk finding any way to fuck it all up. The fact that he was equally as into Dean as Dean was into him was the ego-stroke of all ego-strokes. Dean planned to enjoy it, the late night visits and the cuddling on the couch and the easy mornings in bed, for as long as he could. 

There was no reason to go getting serious right away. They were young, they’d barely even begun to explore everything about each other that there was to explore. He wasn’t going anywhere near the “b” word any time soon, that he knew for absolute certain.

He sighed, rolling over onto his back and threw one hand over his head. He stared up at the ugly white ceiling of his bedroom.

On a table beside him, his cell phone started playing the chorus _Highway to Hell_ and he gave it a skeptical look. It was almost ten am, but his brain was still fogged up with sleep and post-coital bliss. He prayed that the call wasn’t coming from the shop, trying to make him come down today.

He reached over and grabbed the phone, flipping it open and immediately gritting out, “Bobby, I swear, you’d better not be calling me in on my day off…”

“Excuse me,” a surly voice interrupted him. He balked, not recognizing it. “Is this the phone of a Mr. Dean Winchester?”

Dean blinked a few times. “Erm, that depends. Who’s asking?”

A tired sigh came over the line. “I’ll take that as a yes. Mr. Winchester, were you anywhere in the vicinity of Broken Bow, Nebraska in the recent past?”

He blinked again, and scrubbed a hand over his chin. It was too early in the morning for this. “I-I guess. Yeah-- about two years ago. I’m sorry, where did you say you were calling from?”

This question seemed to irk the woman on the other end of the phone call. “I’m with the Kansas Department of Children and Family Services. Now, Mr. Winch--”

“What? Department of Children and-- what the hell could you want from me?”

“I’m getting to that. _Lord Almighty, the people around here, they got no patience, I swear_ …” the last part seemed to be muttered more to herself, though she had no problem letting Dean hear her personal gripes.

The woman with the deep voice took in a deep breath, and let it out in what came over the line as a sudden crackle of static. Finally, after a full thirty seconds of pause, she told him, “Now, listen here, Mr. Winchester. We have right now a child in our custody of whom you are listed as the father.”

Dean blinked several times in rapid succession. He remained silent as the words she’d said slowly made their way to the processing center in his brain.

His first thought was to laugh. He thought that (obviously) there must have been a colossal mix-up, and that this was going to resolve itself into some very funny story he would tell people about later, after he had stopped laughing. He figured there must be at least a couple hundred of guys named Dean Winchester in the tristate area, and boy did he feel bad for the one of them that this phone call was meant for.

Saddled with a kid at twenty-six years old. No, thank you very much.

Then he thought, maybe this was a set-up. Maybe some of the guys were pissed he’d ditched them for Cas last night, and they got stupidly drunk and decided to pull some weirdo prank on him. Honestly, if that was the case, he didn’t really ‘get it’, but points for creativity, he guessed.

In any case, Dean politely responded, with a bit of a chuckle, “What was your name?”

“My name? Well, I don’t see how that matters, but you can call me Missouri.”

Weird name, but. “Okay, Missouri, well I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have got the wrong guy.”

“ _Wrong guy_ , like I never heard that...” she scoffs, again to herself, and then back to Dean she asks, “So you’ve never made the acquaintance of one Ms. Layla Rourke?”

“No, I’ve never--”

And then it hit him. On the road with Sam, a stop in some podunk Nebraska town; going out to the bar and going home with the waitress. Long blond hair and big, bright blue eyes. Layla Rourke.

He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“You still there, sweetie?”

A croaking sound rose from his throat.

“Your heart beating alright? Need me to call an ambulance? I’ve got your address written down just here…”

“No!” he yelled out, shaking his head, “No, I’m…. okay.”

“Great. So you did know Ms. Rourke then?”

“Yeah, I knew her.” _Biblically_. “Well, I met her.”

“Well, my deepest condolences. She’s passed away.” And after waiting a single beat, Missouri commenced on, saying, “Now this little girl I’ve got next to me…”

“It’s a girl?”

His voice sounded funny, even to him. It was early and he was in shock and he felt like this woman was being far too casual about a few major life changes here.

“Yes. A nine-month-old baby girl.” Dean did some mental math in his head, and it checked out. Inside, his brain felt like a melting hard drive, but he didn’t really have the luxury to allow that. “Now, listen. You’re gonna need to come down to our offices in Topeka as soon as possible.”

“I don’t know…”

Before he could finish, Missouri bit right back at him, saying, “I know it’s your day off, boy. You told me yourself when you picked up the phone.”

Jesus. Dean rolled his eyes.

“Put on some pants. We’ll see you in an hour.”

“I--”

Dial tone blocked whatever he’d been about to say. He flipped his phone shut and stared out in front of him.

What in the fuck was going on?

The question repeated in his mind the whole time got dressed, which was a much slower process than usual, and for the duration of the half hour ride to Topeka. He’d been so distracted that he’d forgotten to look up directions to where he was going, and ended up driving around in circles for another ten minutes.

Should he have called Sammy? He wondered this intermittently during the drive as well. It was probably better that he didn’t, that he was here on his own. Less consequences if… just, if.

When he finally parked the car and made his way to the offices of the Kansas Department of Children and Family Services, he found a bustling room filled with constant movement and commotion.

“Who are you here to see?”

Dean jumped. A small woman had appeared from seemingly nowhere and now she was standing very close to his face, peering at him through wire-rimmed glasses. He stammered, “I-I’m Dean Winchster.”

To which she only glared at him even more shrewdly, so he tried, “Uh, Missouri? Missouri called me this morning and--”

“This way,” she said, clipped off in a little phrase. And before Dean even noticed, she’d darted off across the room, and gestured for him to follow. She reminded him of an especially aggressive hummingbird. He didn’t care for it.

Barely a moment later and they were parked in front of a desk, behind which sat an older woman who appeared to take very little if any nonsense. Her desk was orderly and she exchanged only a single nod with her coworker-- who promptly flitted away to judge somebody else, Dean was sure-- before turning her soulful eyes to him.

“Dean Winchester, I presume.”

He drummed his fingers anxiously on his thigh. “I-- yeah.”

“Take a seat.”

She didn’t bother to gesture to the rusted metal chair across from her. Dean look at it dubiously, and then lowered himself lowly into a seated position. The chair whined beneath him.

“I’m sure you had a very thoughtful drive here this morning, hm?”

Dean answered with a silent nod. He felt a little intimidated by this Missouri woman. Judging from her permanent frown and the disappointed expression in her face, her imagined this was the response she invoked in the great majority of people.

“Good. Then I don’t need to give you any lectures about the joys and pitfalls of parenting. You’ve done enough of that yourself.”

Dean sucked in a deep breath of air and released it slowly.

Missouri reached into her desk and pulled out a single folder, from which she pulled two more sheets of paper. “I’ve got two forms here for you to sign. You choose which one you want.”

He leaned forward and pulled the papers toward him. “What are my options?”

“Well,” she sighed, crossing her arms over her broad chest, “you either accept sole custody of the child and, pending interviews and a few background checks, you take her home with you.”

“Or?”

“Or, you relinquish all parental rights, and she’ll be placed into the foster care system.”

Dean felt a lump forming in this throat. He tried to swallow it down, but it was persistently thick and sticky. “Doesn’t she have-- I don’t know, relatives, or something? Grandparents, aunts, a wealthy eccentric uncle who’s dying for a ward of his own?”

Apparently Missouri did not appreciate the comic relief, because the look she gave Dean made him feel like a class-A idiot for the suggestions.

“The girl’s mother was the only child of two parents who are now also deceased,” she told him, her voice dripping with very little sympathy, “you’re the closest thing we’ve got. We may be able to find a distant relative somewhere down the line, but at a certain point it might as well be foster care.”

His eyes darted nervously between the two forms laid out in front of him. Now he wished he had brought Sam. He would know what to do.

“And you’re sure it’s-- she’s mine?”

Missouri seemed very tired of his responses, like this was the same conversation for her day-in and day-out. “You were listed at the father on the birth certificate. If you like, we can run some paternity tests, but those results will take a few weeks to process.”

He ran his hand over the jagged edge of her metal desk. He’d never been more conflicted in his entire goddamn life. There was a feeling in his stomach like he might shit himself or vomit at any moment.

Suddenly, he heard himself speaking out loud, and before he’d even finished he knew he was done for. “Can I see her?”

Missouri stared at him sideways, suspiciously.

“Before I... make my decision. To sign the form. Can I see her?”

He didn’t know why he was asking. He was not going to leave here with a kid today. Whatever her deal was, wherever she ended up, he wished her a good life. But he had a good thing going in his own life for the first time in a long time and he was not about the throw a colossal wrench into all of that by bringing a fucking  _child_ into it. A child he would have no idea how to care for. It wasn’t even an option.

And yet… he just wanted to see her. He didn’t know why. He just, he had to.

Missouri pushed her chair away from her desk and stood to her feet. “Alright,” she grumbled, “follow me.”

\------

They loaned him a car seat, and then Missouri buckled it in for him after watching him struggle too long to figure it out. Dean checked the straps, and then re-checked them, because he didn’t know how these things worked and babies seemed really fragile.

The drive back to Lawrence proved equally as distracting as the ride there, but not for the same reasons. Dean was constantly looking back in his rearview mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of her sitting in her seat.

Ruby. That was her name. Ruby Rourke. And she was the most incredible thing he’d ever seen in his entire life.

He’d looked into girls’ eyes before and thought he saw the whole world there, but… those girls? They were nothing compared to what he felt like when he looked at her. From the first second he’d laid eyes on her, Dean had been a complete and total goner.

In the end, it wasn’t an easy choice. It wasn’t a choice at all. When he looked into her little green irises, and saw her big long eyelashes, he’d fallen deeper in love than he ever had before.

And sure, he knew that sounded cheesy, but… it was the truth. Truly, nothing else mattered after he’d seen her. Apartment, work, friends-- he’d figure that stuff out. He just needed to make sure that he took care of this little girl the best way that he could, starting right then.

He got her into the apartment no problem (apart from struggling with that damned car seat for another ten minutes), unloaded the other shit Missouri was nice enough to give him-- some clothes for Ruby, formula and diapers.

Dean held the package of diapers up in his hand and inspected it. He had never done… that before. He was going to have to figure that one out. And the formula, too. How did that work?

He placed the car seat in the middle of the kitchen tabled and leaned down to look Ruby in the eyes. She was calm; just lying there, sucking on her own fist.

He coughed into his hand. “Hi, kid. I’m, uh, Dean.”

Ruby gurgled curiously. If anyone was around to see this, he’d feel like a total idiot. But there wasn’t. It was just the two of them.

“Listen, I’ve got to tell you… I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing here.”

It happened very quickly that her face changed, and she started to do something that Dean thought people who knew more might calling _fussing_. That was a word he’d heard about babies before. He reached his hand into the carseat and started to pet her head, like you might do to a cat. “Hey, hey,” he tried to soothe her, “Don’t, um, don’t do that.”

Why was he stuttering so much all of a sudden? He was Dean Winchester: he could charm the white off of rice if he wanted to. And yet a tiny little crumpled human was making him sound like a gawky teenage boy. It was like he was talking to his first crush, all over again.

He fumbled to unbuckle her from the seat and take hold of her in his arms. He held her in one arm, like she was a bag of groceries. Was that how he was supposed to do it? Or, maybe it was more like when your arm was in a sling. Yeah, that one felt right. He cradled her against his chest and supported her with both arms. Still, she continued to whine.

“See, this is exactly why I stopped dating women,” he told her with a smirk. “I can never tell what you want.”

Ruby did not appreciate the attempt at humor (second time that had happened today) and her cries began to turn from minor little things into a full-fledged meltdown.

He felt his heart race at the sound and could hear his blood pumping in his eardrums. Funnily enough, the feeling reminded him of several other times he’d made women cry and been forced to watch the aftermath. It was one of the more unpleasant experiences he’d encountered in his time. He didn't know what to do. Fuck, what made him think he could do this? He was the last person in the world who should be entrusted with the care of a child. 

Dean looked down at the little girl in his arms and sighed. He had been hoping to put this off a little bit longer, but it looked like he was going to need reinforcements, stat. 

It was time to call Sam.

\-------

Sam rushed right over and soon as Dean had slapped a big 911 on the situation. He took the news… well, he freaked out. Which was fair. In fact, Dean was pretty surprised at how little he himself was freaking out, at least compared to the past. It was just like… he couldn’t. He didn’t have time to. He had his hands full with this thing that kept screaming at him for long periods of time.

“So this…” Sam pursed his lips and pointed to where the baby was set inside a laundry basket that Dean had padded with pillows, “this is your kid?”

She’d calmed down considerably since her initial fit. Dean had fed her a bottle and changed her diaper, even though the one she was in didn’t feel wet or dirty. Actually, he’d changed her diaper three times, because the first two were too loose and just fell right off her. Which, of course, made her cry again.

“So says the lady who called me this morning, yeah.” Dean was trying to search on the internet where one might go to purchase the kinds of things that babies needed. And also a list of what kinds of things babies needed.

“I just mean… you’re her father.”

Dean’s fingers paused on the keys and he pursed his lips thoughtfully.

“You’re somebody’s _father_ ,” Sam said aloud again, like it hadn’t sunk in the first time.

That word… it really seemed significant when you said it like that. Dean hadn’t really thought about that side of it yet. He heard what Missouri had told him and he understood it, on a surface level at least-- there was a woman with whom Dean had had carnal relations, and nine months later that woman had birthed a child and that logically that child most likely had biological relation to himself. That part clicked for him.

He understood that he had a kid. He didn’t think about the fact that that kid had him for a father.

A new emotion popped up inside Dean, and it felt like a dangerous mix of excitement and fear. His mind of course immediately went to his own father, who was… a lot of things. He was strong, and a good leader, and tough as all hell. He’d raised Dean and Sam to be good men. Smart, chivalrous, take-no-bullshit type of men.

If he was going to do this, to try and really do the whole dad thing (and it didn’t seem like there were any other options being proposed), he didn’t think he wanted to do it like that. Not the way his dad had raised him.

It felt like a betrayal, even just admitting it to himself. Dean tensed and untensed his hands, deep in thought.

“Jesus Christ,” Sam rubbed his hands roughly at his temples. “I mean, I say I’m surprised, but at the same time I can’t believe it didn’t happen sooner. Or that you don’t have more kids.”

Dean looked to his brother and for the first time since that morning, he smiled. It was a self-depracating, sort of half-smile. But still. Ruby stirred in her basket.

“I think one is enough for now,” Dean shook his head with a laugh. He leaned over to check on the sleeping baby, and found a sort of fondness selling inside his chest. “She’s cute, isn't she? She must take after me.”

Sam pursed his lips, surveying her little body. “She does kind of look like you a bit.”

A strange bubbling feeling arose in Dean that he had never felt before. “You think so?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Sam shrugged his loose commitment and leaned over Ruby to peer at her more closely. “The nose.”

Dean’s chest puffed out a bit at the thought. He didn’t know why. It felt evoluntionary. Like it was ingrained in to his system.

Sam’s tone changed from inquisitive to stern. “I really don’t like this basket scenario though. It seems… precarious.”

A grunt comes from behind Dean’s computer screen. “Yeah, we’re gonna have to go pick all this shit up, but this list is fucking huge.”

“Swearing in front of your baby. Nice.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

“Well, why don’t we start with a crib so we can at least get her a place to sleep that didn’t previously house your dirty socks and boxers?”

“Alright, alright, let’s go. Grab the carseat over there, would ya?”

Dean closed his computer and placed it on the coffee table beside the basket where Ruby lay. She looked comfortable, peaceful. But, from his three hours of experience with fatherhood, he expected the next meltdown to be just around the corner. 

 _Highway to Hell_ played a muffled chorus from the couch cushion and Dean stood to his feet immediately to extract his cell from his pocket. His initial assumption was it Missouri calling back to check in and see if he’d royally fucked it all up yet. The name he found flashing on his screen instead was a cold splash of water on an already fucked up day.

_Incoming Call from: Castiel_

“Shit,” he hissed involuntarily. “Shit, fuck, shit.”

Sam rounded the corner with the carseat in hand and a signature sourpuss look on his face. “Seriously, Dean. Language.”

He hit the ignore button and slid the phone back into his pocket. Castiel. He hadn’t even thought about him, not for a second. How in the hell was he supposed to tell Cas about any of this? And once he did… where did that leave them?

“Who was it?” Sam stared him down with that _don’t bother hiding it_ look siblings are always ready to dole out.

Dean stumbles through an excuse. “No one, it was no one.” A single raised eyebrow from Sam had him amending his answer to, “It’s this guy… that I’ve been seeing.”

Sam’s eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head. “Oh great, Dean! Invite your boyfriend over to hang out with you and your new surprise baby!”

“He’s not my-- I wasn’t going to, obviously," said Dean defensively, "This situation’s already enough of a mess as it is, I don’t need to bring him into it.”

“Yeah," Sam crossed his arms over his chest, "If you’re gonna be a dad now, you’re gonna have to put her first. No more running out and chasing anything that moves.”

Dean felt a pang of anger toward Sam for that comment. “I know that,” he bit out. He didn’t appreciate being underestimated-- and, anyways, that’s not what Cas was. “Just get in the damn car.”

Sam raised his eyebrows but turned and left in any case, holding Ruby in the carseat with his hands. Once he was alone, Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Cas' number. He waited nervously while the line rang, and wanted to hang up multiple times in the five seconds before Castiel answered the phone with a chipper, “Hello, Dean.”

It pained Dean to hear his voice. It was like a ghost of the relationship he was leaving behind now. 

“Cas,” he said, trying not to sound overly affectionate. “Hey, I’m actually not gonna be able to hang out tonight.”

“Oh,” replied Cas, his voice soft and the disappointment plain. He never tried to hide the way he felt. Dean envied that, and appreciated it. “What’s up?”

“I’ve got a…. family emergency.” He could have stopped there, but for some reason he felt the need to hammer it home. “I need to go out of town for a few days.”

He paced across the floor a few times, anxious to hear what Cas would say. Maybe he wouldn’t believe him. Maybe he’d call the bluff. He was a lot smarter than Dean, that had always been pretty obvious.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Dean.”

A long sigh of relief from Dean, but it’s plagued with guilt. “No, I’m sorry. I... really wanted to see you tonight.”

“I did, too,” Cas agreed, and Dean could hear the half-smile in his voice. Picturing it made him hurt inside. “But I understand. We’ll see each other when you get back.”

Would they? Dean wondered. It seemed impossible to even consider. It hadn’t been on his mind when he’d signed the papers agreeing to take on the responsibility or Ruby’s care, but… it certainly seemed like he had also signed away any kind of claim he had to a social life. There was definitely no way you could date when you had a new baby. Especially when you were the only one taking care of it. Her. 

It hurt him, knowing that this was a kind of goodbye. It hurt even more knowing that Castiel had no idea.

Sam yelled for him from the hallway. Dean swallowed loudly and said into the phone, “Yeah. I’ll let you know when I’m back.”

“I hope everything’s alright,” Cas said just before Dean snapped his phone shut. He sounded so sweet. Dean knew Cas had never lied to him before. He respected Dean too much, and respected himself. It made Dean feel like a rat fucking coward, acting the way he was right now. 

He wanted to say thank you, or I miss you, or maybe even something even more recklessly honest. But he didn't. He just snapped his phone shut like he hadn't heard it, and went out into the hall to meet Sam.  

\------

Two weeks went by, but not in a flash. They were, quite possibly, the longest weeks of Dean’s entire twenty-six year existence. Sleep had been totally eliminated from his life, which made every other function just that much more difficult to perform.

Bobby gave him some time off, thank god. He had no idea what he would do if he’d had to work during that time. There wasn’t anyone else who could help. He was doing this thing, the parenting thing, completely on his own.

He wasn’t exactly bursting to get the news out to everyone. Besides his brother and Bobby, no one else even knew that Ruby had come into his life. Not that he wanted to hide her or anything, but it… it had to be the right time.

Sam helped out when he could, came over twice to attempt to assemble the Ikea crib (damn thing was still lying as rubbish heap in the spare bedroom). But there was only so much the kid could do. He was in law school, after all. Dean couldn’t let his messy life interrupt all that.

And Cas… Dean still hadn’t seen Cas yet.

They texted, and even talked on the phone one evening until Ruby had woken up and Dean had rushed to her side.

When Dean was rested enough and he had a spare minute to himself to collect his thoughts, he missed the shit out of Cas. He missed the way his body felt when his hands glided over it, missed the little sharp breaths he’d take Dean nibbled on his ear. And he missed talking to him, missed listening to him. Castiel was sharp as a tack, and he had this sense of humor that Dean just found so charming.

It didn’t take a genius to see that Cas was growing more and more agitated by his avoidance. At first, he was forgiving. He sent Dean encouraging texts, and told him that he hoped everything was alright. He was sweet and generous, and totally unafraid to send suggestive pictures for which Dean was incredibly grateful.

And then Dean had got busy. He was bad at responding, barely ever looked at his phone now unless it was googling what temperature to heat milk to for a nine-month-old. In time, messages from Castiel grew curt, and when Dean abandoned their phone conversation that night he had sounded so mad that Dean was actually afraid.

Twice, Cas had straight out asked him what was wrong. Both times, Dean shrugged off the question and made it seem as if nothing had changed at all.

He knew that he could be handling the situation better. Sam never let him forget that it.

But luckily-- finally-- he was going to have a night out to himself. Sam had volunteered to watch Ruby for a night so that Dean could take Cas out to dinner, an apology for his behavior. It would be the perfect time to come clean, to end things on terms of mutual respect.

Having a baby and a boyfriend, he knew it just wasn’t possible. And that’s what Cas was, wasn’t it? A boyfriend. Dean had grown up quite a bit in the past two weeks, and one of the things he realized is that it was silly to try and convince himself otherwise.

He was glad-- and a bit relieved-- when Castiel had agreed to get dinner with him. He’d even let Castiel pick him up; which was something he never did, but he Dean took him out to an asian restaurant that they’d enjoyed a few times before, and the evening went honestly perfect. He could see in Castiel’s relaxed posture that the other man wasn’t holding any grudges. When Dean reached out his hand across the table, Castiel let him have his own.

“I hope everything’s alright with your family,” said Castiel, his eyes sparkling a bit in the dim light of the restaurant.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s alright,” Dean muttered. “Things are just…. different now.”

It would have been the perfect time to say something; he’d lay it all out right there, the perfect transition. But… Cas’ foot was rubbing against his leg, and it felt so good. It felt normal, which was something he hadn’t felt in half a month.

They crawled into Castiel’s car after dinner, and Dean couldn’t even wait another minute before he grabbed Castiel by the collar and pulled him in to his body. They lined their chests up and Dean grabbed a fistful of Cas’ ass, moaning in delight. God, he’d really missed this. He didn’t want to let it go.

Castiel’s mouth was on his ear, and the heat of his breath had Dean’s brain going to very, very dirty places when he said, “Let’s take this back to my place.”

Even just the thought had Dean’s dick jumping in his pants. Fuck, he could really stand to get laid. And Cas was so sexy sitting on his lap like this, grinding down into him. “Ah,” Dean hissed, “I want to so bad. You have no idea how bad, really.”

“Mm, I have an idea,” Castiel responded playfully.

But he couldn’t. If he went back to Cas’, there was no way he’d be able to make an escape before morning. And he couldn’t leave Sam with Ruby that long. Hell, he didn’t even want to be away from her for a whole night. It made his heart ache to think about it.

“But, I… can’t. It’s this family thing.”

Cas pulled back, and the look on his face said so much without any words. He looked confused and sad, almost betrayed. Like he’d thought tonight would change everything, and they’d go back to the way they’d been before.

Dean didn’t think he’d ever felt like a bigger piece of shit than he did right then, looking up at Cas’ sad eyes.

“Okay, Dean,” he said, his voice small as his body retreated away from Dean, “you’ll let me know when I can see you again.”

Dean promised he would, and pulled Castiel in for one more kiss, but he found the lips waiting to be less than responsive. He backed away and let Castiel drive him back to his place, feeling that that twenty degree drop with double intensity.

“So you didn’t tell him?” Sam yelled about two minutes after Dean had sullenly walked through the door. “You didn’t tell him about Ruby at all?”

Dean exhaled a grunt, sitting down at the kitchen table. “No. I was gonna, but then I just wanted to have a normal evening, away from… all this. I just…” He sighed, running a ragged hand through his hair. He should’ve said something. Should have told Cas, let him down easy. Then this exceedingly large weight would be lifted off his shoulders.

“You should just call him. Tell him that it’s over and you’ve got shit to do.”

He raised his head and sent a glare his brother’s way. “Thank you, Samuel, for that helpful advice.”

Sam lifted his hands in a gesture of surrender, and was surely right about to come up with some witty retort, when a cry of distress came from Dean’s bedroom. Sam moved toward the door, but Dean stood to block him. “No, no, I’ll take care of it. I’ve got her from here. You can head out.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. She’s my kid, isn’t she?”

Sam looked at him cautiously, and then let his shoulders sag in a show of relief. “Thanks. I’ve got a Torts exam to study for, and I really need to get down to business.”

The front door closed just as Dean entered his bedroom and found Ruby wriggling discontentedly in her basket. He reached down and took her into his arms, shaking her gently in the hopes of rocking her into serenity.

“Hey, baby girl, it’s okay.”

His voice was soft as cotton when he spoked to her. He hoped it would provide her with an extra comfort. That maybe, someday, that would be the only thing it took to calm her down. 

It seemed unlikely at the present moment, but...

“I’m sorry we haven’t figured out that crib situation yet,” he murmured in dulcet tones. “I wanted to buy the preassembled one, but your Uncle Sam insisted on the swedish made piece of shit in that room over there.”

He walked her from the bedroom over into the kitchen, where a bottle sat on the counter, ready to go. Ruby's cries quieted as he held the bottle near her face.

Dean's mouth stretch into a subdued smile. “Let this be your first lesson: I’m always right, and Sam is always wrong.”

Ruby suckled on the end of the bottle, and as she did her little body relaxed in Dean’s arms. Her eyes grew soft and sleepy, and after she’d drunk half of the formula he’d prepared, he put the bottle down and started walking around the apartment, bouncing her gently in his arms.

He whispered, murmured, repeating _shh, shh, shh_ in an effort to calm her into sleep. Without realizing, he found himself singing aloud. Softly, slowly, the same song his mother used to sing to him when he was a child. He crooned, “ _Hey Jude. Don’t make it bad."_

He looked down at his daughter, and he saw her looking back at him with a smile. A smile just for him. It was incredible.

 _"Take a sad song, and make it better,_ ” he sang.

He wasn't the best singer, he knew that for sure. But if it was something that could make Ruby smile, he'd sing to her all day, every day, for the rest of his life. 

\----

Seven more days passed, and not a single one of those days was the day that he told Cas. Everyday, he almost did it. He’d pick up the phone and think to himself, _if I just do it now, then it will be over with_. Quick, like a bandaid.

But then he’d think about Castiel and he’d psych himself out and put the phone down and it all went back to the same place.

It got to the point where he couldn’t even respond to Cas’ messages anymore. He couldn’t bare to look at them. He kept trying to craft the perfect message and instead all he sent was silence.

He felt fucking awful about it. But he didn’t know what else to do.

Not that he had much time to ponder it, either way. He was so busy with Ruby, and Sam had exams that he was focusing on. And now Dean was returning to work, which meant that he had to find someone to watch Ruby in the daytime.

He had a few people in mind; but that, of course, meant telling them about Ruby. He still wasn’t ready to drop the bombshell to everyone all at once. So he was working his way through the list one by one. Today, he’d invited Jody over to introduce them and see if she wouldn’t mind pulling some babysitting shifts.

Tomorrow, he’d tell his parents.

When a knock sounded loudly at the door in the early afternoon, he assumed it was just Jody’s normal somewhat aggressive style at play. What he found instead was a man fuming with anger.

“Cas,” he breathed out, and felt as if all the air had punch punched from his body like an old balloon.

His first reaction was fear and panic, which was quickly followed by a prayer to the gods that Ruby wouldn’t cry out while Cas was standing there in front of him.

Castiel had obviously come with a speech prepared, and he didn’t wait to launch into it. “Dean, you may think I’m an idiot, but I am able to see when I’m unwanted.” If possible, Dean deflated even more. That’s not what he thought at all, of course not, he-- “If you’ll just let me in to grab the things I left here, I’ll be out of your hair very quickly.”

He blinked a couple times in rapid succession. A feeling of shock came over him that was similar to the feeling he’d experienced three weeks ago.

“Please, Dean, let’s not prolong this any longer than we need to. I’m already embarrassed enough as it is.”

“Cas, I-- please, no… I don’t…”

Words were failing him. It was like Dean’s brain had turned to alphabet soup and the only letters were _u m_.

Cas remained standing there with his arms crossed. “Very intelligent. Excuse me.”

He pushed past Dean until he was standing in the hallway, and he quickly brushed past him down the hall to the bedroom. “You know, I stopped by the shop a few times, trying to catch you,” he narrated over his shoulder as he walked down the hall. “How very convenient, that you happened to be out every day that I went by.”

Dean closed the front door and jogged to catch up to him before he got to the end of the hall. “Cas--”

“There’s really no reason to be so immature about it, Dean. If you’re not interested, I can handle it. I’m a big boy," he looked back over his should at Dean, "I'm hurt, but I can handle it."

Cas stopped just outside the door to the bedroom, and shook his head. He looked defeated. “I feel insulted by the way you’ve been acting.”

Dean tried to yell out that he was sorry and it was all a misunderstanding and to just hold on a minute before he opened the door; but none of that came out. Instead, he watched as Cas opened the door and moved into his room, and it was about five seconds of silence before he reached the door himself.

“What is all this?”

His tone had changed from hurt and offended, to plain confusion. He was stood in the middle of the room, next to the bed. All around him was the evidence: old bottles and binkies and onesies and blankets, like a hurricane of infant care had blown specficially through this room.

His eyes were wide when he looked up to Dean and asked the question. "Dean. What the hell is all this?"

Dean took a deep breath and leaned against the doorframe. “Will you sit down with me and let me explain?”

“No, you can tell me right now.”

Of course. Of course he would make this as difficult as possible. With another long sigh, Dean opened his mouth and said, “This is… my life now.”

Cas turned in a circle, taking in everything around him. His eyes seemed to zoom right past the basket in which Ruby was currently sleeping.

“So, what? What are you saying?”

Here we go then. “I have a kid.”

There was no way to describe the expression of Castiel's face. Dean imagined his must have looked the same that morning, when he got that phone call.  

“A kid.”

Dean strolled over to the basket and reached inside. He was aware that Cas’ eyes followed closely as he did. “Her name is Ruby. She’s nine months old-- well, ten months now. I got a call last month from some random woman named Minnesota or something shit, and now I have a daughter, and there’s no one else who can take care of her, and even if there was I wouldn’t care because I look at her, and I’m just lost, man.”

Ruby was still in his arms, luckily. He didn't think he could handle more than one freakout right now.

Across the room, Cas was staring at him like he had no idea what was going on. Join the club, Dean thought. He watched Cas' eyes dart from him to Ruby and back. He took a chance, and stepped closer with the baby in his arms. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you," he said, looking Cas dead in the eyes, "I just… wasn’t ready for things to be over between us. I like you alot, Cas. A fucking lot.”

If the past three weeks had felt long, this moment was a century. Dean felt awkward and remorseful and generally like a world-class prick; he also thought that Ruby might be hungry or need a bath, or any one of the thousand other things he was failing to give her at any moment.

He felt like a shit friend and a shit father. He didn’t like the idea of Castiel seeing him like this.

But he didn’t want Cas to leave either. When he left, Dean knew, it was the last time he’d ever be seeing Castiel. He wanted to take it in a bit longer. Wanted to bask in those baby blue eyes that he hadn’t even really let himself appreciate yet. If he were laying it all out on the table, it was those eyes he was going to miss the most.

“Can I hold her?”

Dean flinched at the words. They were quiet and gentle, but he was so shocked by them that his body went tense and he gripped Ruby a little more tightly. “What?”

“Ruby,” Cas clarified, his voice no louder than before. “Can I hold her?”

The only other person who had held her so far was Sam.

Without speaking, Dean crossed the room, unsure where to focus his eyes as he did. He approached Castiel and, carefully, passed the baby over into his arms. Cas took her deftly, as if it was a move he’d done a hundred times before. He looked so natural, so comfortable with her in his arms. It was everything Dean didn’t feel when he held her in his arms.

“She’s beautiful.” Cas’ eyes were close to her face, inspecting. He gave a tiny sniff to the top of her head and the edges of his lips curled into a smile. Dean was perplexed watching it happen, but it made him happy to see so he stayed quiet. “She’s got your eyes, I think.”

Dean felt suddenly shy at the compliment. He muttered a small, “thank you,” unsure what else to do.

They stood there, the three of them, in that mess of a room, for some time.

“Why couldn’t you just tell me?”

There he went, just being honest and upfront again. Dean didn't know how to do that. He wanted to, but it was so hard. He'd spent his whole life hiding feelings and pretending he didn't care. 

But, now that he had Ruby, things had changed. He decided to make the effort to be honest with Cas. For Cas. “I… there was so much going on. First I got the call and it was this whole thing. And then there was all the stuff you have to buy and all this shit you have to learn, and there’s so much I don’t know how to do-- and I’m trying to do it all on one hour of sleep just she gets up every 45 minutes in the night, and I don’t even know how to build a fucking crib, and I don’t think I know how to make formula the right way. I suck at this, I suck at being a father. And I’m doing it all myself and I just…”

Cas went in for another sniff and the smile on his face grew a bit. “The crib?” he asked, the sound of a laugh hiding behind his teeth.

The humor was contagious, and Dean found himself suppressing a laugh as he wiped a hand over his face. “I don’t even want to show you. Its a hunk of crap sitting in a pile in my spare bedroom. She sleeps in that basket.” He lets out a shaky laugh. “Oh, god. I’m such a bad fucking dad.”

For a long moment, Cas looked like he was considering something. Dean stared at the floor, trying to give him space to think about whatever he needed to. Finally he came out with it. “I could help you, you know.”

“Help me?”

“Yeah. I have five younger siblings. I know my way around a baby. I bet I could even help assemble that crib.”

Dean looked over at Cas, really raking in the picture of front of his eyes. He’d always seemed so mature, so much older than he really was to Dean. He was getting his Master’s and being a teacher’s assistant and he worked a regular job in addition to being a volunteer; he was no stranger to responsibility. But really, he was just a kid. 23-years-old, fresh out of college. He had no reason to shackle himself down to a thing like this.

“You don’t have to do that for me, Cas. I’ve treated you like shit, and… you would be much better off if you just walked out of here.”

Castiel considered that for half a second, rocking Ruby against his chest as he did. “It wouldn’t just be for you. It would be for her, too.”

“She needs someone to help her. To help you help her.”

Dean felt like sinking into the floor. He walked closer.

“And, as for us…”

Dean’s heart stopped at Cas’ words.

“If you want, we can just… downgrade, for now. We can go back to just being friends, to keep things simple while you adjust to having Ruby.” He cast his eyes downward, and Dean could see that the words were making him sad. “You know, and maybe later…”

Dean reached out and placed a hand under his chin. He lifted so that Cas' eyes looked directly into his. “I don’t want to be your friend,” he told Cas, his voice low and full of intent.

“I don’t want that, either,” Cas mumbled, huffing out a burst of air. “Why do you think I showed up here so mad today?”

“Cus I’m an idiot, and I don’t know how to handle conflict.”

Castiel looked between the baby and Dean. “Well, I’m not going to talk smack about you in front of her, but suffice to say I’m not disagreeing with you.”

Dean chuckled, rejoicing in the feeling of running his fingers through Cas’ hair. “I deserve that.”

“Yes, you do. I’m going to remind you of that periodically.”

“Heard,” Dean said, tilting his head to the side and gazing at Cas in a way that he dared call _loving_. “So… do you think you might want to stay? We could crack open a bottle of wine, try and slap together an infant’s sleeping arrangement?”

Ruby expelled a loud, delighted cry. Castiel laughed, hugging her tightly. “It’s a little bit of a change from our old dates, but,” he smiled wide looking at Dean, “it sounds nice.”

Dean couldn’t help himself. He felt like he might be pushing it, but he was so overcome with how lucky he was. He leaned in as quick as he could and caught Castiel’s lips with his own, so goddamn happy that he was still allowed to do it.

Then he turned his affections to Ruby, placed a big fat kiss on her head, at which she sent out another happy screech.

He took a large step back, to get the full view of the two of them together. Castiel, so generous and forgiving and bordering on perfect, and Ruby, who’d changed his life in ways he never knew he wanted four weeks ago.

The sight of it all: the two of them together, waiting for him, at home. That was something he could see himself getting used to.


End file.
